So, it's been a LONG time since I blogged and that's because we went through a pretty horrific experience of losing our baby boy. I found out on May 20th that I was having a boy and we decided to name him Francisco. Also on that day I found out that I had "low amneotic fluid level" which was a concern, but nothing to worry about "just drink lots of water and we'll reevaluate over the weekend, contact you on Monday." So I wasn't too worried and went through my weekend (announcing that it was a boy) drinking lots of water. We got a call on Sunday saying to make an appointment on Monday with a specialist. We wondered why we needed to see a specialist and at that point got really worried that something was probably wrong and they just weren't telling us. Of course then I went online and saw that having low fluid can cause all sorts of horrible conditions and got totally freaked out-called my sister who told me "not to go on the internet anymore" and wait to see the specialist. So we made an appointment for that tuesday morning and went in to see the specialist. He looked at the baby with a Super ultrasound machine and saw that the baby actually didn't have any kidneys. He explained that this is a terminal diagnosis because the baby, once born, would just die without kidneys and there's no transplants for infants. He gave us the option of continuing the pregnancy and having the baby (which could be born with many defects and then would die immediately after birth) or to have the pregnancy terminated. Since I was already at 20weeks we would have to decide ASAP. I already knew my decision, because why would I want to continue the pregnancy for 4 more months just knowing that he would die and probably suffer, not to mention possibly be deformed. So I talked with Robert and we decided then and there to terminate our little Francisco. We made the appointment for that Friday morning May 27th (which is ironic because Alexya was born on Nov 27th and Sonny on Jan 26th). I had to wait 4 hours in the operating prep room for my turn in the operating room. Finally they put me under and I woke up insanely nauseous and tired. I only remember going into the room and everyone being really nice to me through the whole thing. It took about 3 weeks to fully recover physically, but emotionally we are still dealing with the loss of our kid everyday. Everyone was very supportive in our families and honestly it was really hard to tell people what happened because it felt like we screwed up somehow and it's hard having people feel sorry for you. I think now, that we've moved into our new house it's really been the best thing for us for moving forward and getting through this stuff. It still hurts alot to think about and I pray to my baby Francisco every night and tell him I love him and miss him. I see other people's babies and I think "they better appreciate what they have." It's crazy because we have two beautiful, healthy, smart kids (one boy, one girl) so technically we are really blessed and appreciate what we have, but it's hard when you start planning a future in your head and envision your family and then it's taken away so fast. It's hard accepting it all sometimes, but I know that's it's just another part of life that's thrown at me that's changed me, again, and move forward. We were told by the doctor and surgeon to wait 2-3 months and then we can try to get pregnant again. At least we have that to look forward to and will be VERY excited when that happens. The odds of what happened happening again are like a million to one they said. They said the fact that it even happened was a million to one and is totally random. There's nothing we could have done to prevent it, it's not genetic, and there's no way to detected it sooner. The specialist did offer to let us come in early and use his Super ultrasound, just for peace of mind though, with the next baby.
So, that's the story and I just wanted to get it down on paper because it is part of my life I want to remember and not just push down and hide it somewhere. I know that this, things like this, or miscarrages happen to lots of women and are just never talked about. Whatever works for you is what you should do I think, and it works for me to write it down. I love my kids and my family so much, we are so happy in our new home and neighborhood and Alexya just started Kindergarten yesterday!! So life is always moving ahead, good & bad.
I have to put up pictures of Alexya at school soon. She's so cute with her bright red, Jesse backpack! Her teacher's name is Mrs. Motta and she started yesterday off by making friends!
Alexya with her cousin Gabriela
Alexya, Audrey, Jena and Santino. Sonny was in love with Princess Jena! Lexy and Audrey were best buddies at the wedding, running, playing and getting into trouble together!
Sonny and Lexy at Grandma & Grandpa's house, down at the creek! They have so much fun there!
